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I want to thank everyone who's taken the time to comment on this post, offer their support, and suggest resources to the letter writer. I knew that Ask Polly readers would come through, but the reaction here went far beyond my expectations. It can be really difficult to trust strangers and believe in human connection these days, so seeing so many of you rise to the occasion, share your experiences, and show your affection for a stranger really does feel like a miracle. THANK YOU. I'm so happy you're here, and so grateful that I can learn from you.

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Oct 1, 2021Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I know this seems sort of small, but this comic helped me wake up to what had been happening to me: https://the-toast.net/2015/06/01/all-the-paintings-here-agree-comic/, and it really is like waking up. One thing I had to recognize was how insidiously the emotional abuse chipped away at my ability to trust myself and my intuition. You have to relearn it, and that takes time and tiny steps. The best tiny first step I took was talking about things I genuinely liked with my friends and acquaintances. You say you don't have a best friend, but you can start with just a friend. Seeing yourself reflected back at you from people who aren't your abuser is so important, even if they don't know you very well. They don't have to know the core of you to recognize your value! That's the thing about people who aren't abusive; they just see that you're a person who's worth something. You don't have to prove it, you just are.

That's what helped me the most, to believe I wasn't what he said I was. To turn up the volume on my own narrative about myself and my life and to have it validated by people who didn't need big justifications for why I and my feelings mattered. That drowns out his skewed version of the story, which is utter bunk, by the way. You know better than he ever will who you are, and there are more people who take that at face value than you might think right now.

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Oct 1, 2021Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Hi Drowning Woman,

I read your letter and saw a different version of myself from five years ago. When I left my emotionally and physically abusive partner, I felt raw all over. I would cry at anything and everything and I felt like a walking wound moving through the world. This sounds and feels terrible, but it also makes you porous and open to all the kind, non-withholding love the world has to offer. You say you have no one, I struggle to believe that that's the reality of the situation and not just something he has conditioned you to feel. Might there be one number in your phone—an aunt, an old friend, a hairdresser (trust me), a former co-worker—who you could text now and ask to grab dinner or coffee with you? Companionship helps more than anything right now. The loneliness you are feeling will try to convince you that you need him, that you belong together, that you've lost your soul mate—it bears repeating over and over: that is not true. You'll believe that for a long time, it doesn't make it true. You might even go back to him a few times. I promise, if you do, you'll see him a little more clearly each time. Each time you encounter him again, you'll feel a little more like putting yourself up on a pedestal away from his deadly reach.

What you're doing right now is noble. You're climbing out of an ocean. When I left my abuser (or he left me, both are sort of true), I tattooed the words, "Any fool can get into an ocean, it takes a goddess to get out of one," onto my thigh. It's from a Jack Spicer poem, and it's the truth. Do not belittle or discount or diminish what you are experiencing. This period will be defining for you. On the other side of this, you will find yourself more wise, more beautiful, more brave, more capable of the unthinkable. Because, make no mistake, leaving him is the unthinkable. It's impossibly hard and everything in your body has been conditioned to think it's going to kill you.

Here is my tactical advice:

1. Block his number. You'll probably unblock at some point. Block again.

2. Get a roommate if you can or a buddy who you can spend time with or text regularly.

3. Write. Write. Write. Paint. Paint. Paint. Sing. Sing. Sing. Find an outlet and unload your pain into it.

4. Forgive yourself for all the reckless things you do during this period of time.

5. Gratitude lists help.

6. Sex and dancing help too, at least for a moment.

7. Find a therapist who listens and understands you. And keep going. I have done a lot of EMDR and CBT therapy to combat my PTSD. It helps, a lot.

8. If you need to get a restraining order, get one. Depending on where you live, the state may allow you to go through this process for free. It's pretty traumatic but it will make you feel a little safer.

9. Getting over this takes a long time. Give yourself LOTS of time. And let that be okay.

10. Read. Some books I loved reading during this time: Bluets by Maggie Nelson, The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion, Bukowski in a Sundress by Kim Addonizio, and all of Heather's letters.

11. Accept that the world will always be somewhat triggering from here on out and build in some padding around your triggers.

Lastly, I'll say that I felt about my ex the way you describe feeling about your husband. I felt that no one would ever compare. I thought he was my soul mate. I can say with lots of time and distance, that your perspective will change significantly. You will fall in love with someone who loves you in a healthy way, in a way that empowers and emboldens you. My current partner is truly the light of my life. He is kind, sexy, funny, wildly intelligent, and he has helped me build a safe, enriching, and beautiful home. Rebuild your relationship to yourself and untold treasures await you. I promise. Also, feel free to email me if you need to: chloe.bell294@gmail.com. Seriously.

Rooting for you and in awe of you,

Chloe

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Oct 1, 2021Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Drowning Woman, I am writing to you a year out from a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I want you to know that it won't always feel as lonely and confusing and alien as it does now. For me, it was a long and slow journey toward discovering all the things that I had given up, decided I didn't deserve, decided I didn't need anymore because this man's needs were obviously more important than mine. But you do deserve these things. I promise. I know you ask yourself here if this was mutually combative. You say, "surely I didn't marry an abuser" and "I'm not a victim because I fight back, right?" But I think it's important to ask yourself how much of your "fighting back" came from fear? How much of it came from being treated like a monster, like an animal, and not like a valuable, lovable person. Just because you fought back doesn't mean it wasn't abuse. It just means you stood up for yourself when no one else would. I hope you can forgive yourself for the things you said and did to survive.

I am sending you so much love. And I hope whatever comes next for you is more expansive, safer, and full of quiet, calm, everyday joys.

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Dear Drowning Woman, this must be so hard for you. I am so very very sorry. I always thought I was too much. I thought if I could just make myself less argumentative, less voluble, less analytical, less wanting to be together, seeking less connection, we would be fine. But then one day I looked up and I was lost and alone and in the wrong life. I didn't know how to get back, or how to go forward. So I dug really deep down, and I listened to myself and then one day I got an answer (while folding laundry, because somehow the world just keeps turning): we were living abroad, and it was time for me to go to my home country. I didn't know much else. I didn't know if I should leave him. I didn't know what job I would have, or where I would live. I just knew I needed to go home, and be a person in my own right again, so that's what I began to organise. Step by step, and each next step revealed another piece of the puzzle. I found a place to stay. I reached out to old colleagues and found a job. I got my kids into a school. I joined a running group. I made a friend. It's been almost seven years since that morning folding laundry. We're divorced. I have a life with people who love me for who I am. No one says I am too much of anything. They like me as I am. They LOVE me as I am. (I still find that hard to believe.) My story is not your story (you wrote so beautifully to Polly!), but you can have my hope if you want to. I was alright. You'll be alright, you really will. There's a Portuguese quote: In the end, everything will be alright. If it is not alright, it isn't yet the end.

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Oct 1, 2021Liked by Heather Havrilesky

DW,

It's hard. You want the relationship that you thought you had. One that, given enough time, you may come to realize never existed. The person you fell in love with was never really there. And that's hard. But also, it means you didn't actually need him. One thing that being out of a bad relationship helped me realize, with time, is that a lot of the "good moments" that I attributed to him were things I did. Either situations I set up so that he ended up being the good guy, or that I created by interpreting a slight smile on his face as a sign that he couldn't function without me.

But here's the thing: if you created those moments you thought you had with him, then you can create those moments without him. What helped me a lot in rebuilding was to make connections to the community. It's harder now with Covid but not impossible.

Every weekend after the relationship ended I went and rounded up my Mom's Dog and took her to one of the many dog events in town. Dog Park. Dog Parade. Yappy hour. I made connections. Not forever connections but two people watching our dogs play together. If you have a dog, make some time to go explore with them. If you don't, well at least locally you can go volunteer to walk dogs in the animal shelter. Dogs are always happy to see you. They don't demand a lot.

Volunteering in general is good. It doesn't have to be anything massive. I volunteered taking tickets at the community playhouse. People were happy to see me. It was nice to see shows. It was nice to feel like I was helping. It felt good to have connections that weren't all consuming relationship ones. These weren't best friendships where I could talk about my deep feelings with, although some became that, but it also helped me dig myself out of the mindset that the only thing that existed in the world was my ex.

Religious or spiritual organizations help with that community need. I became a Buddhist after the relationship ended which was a great source of comfort to me and helped me rebuild my sense of self. I also recommend the book There Is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber which is a book based in Buddhist teachings of ego, but you don't need to be a Buddhist.

I know you feel very very alone right now, but that feeling of alone is what makes us all connected. Not every person experiences happiness or love. But I think every single person had felt alone and scared. It is out shared bond. It isn't a sign of failure but a sign of being human.

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Hi drowning woman. First time ever commenting here. I had to. Because you did just what this brilliant column advised you to keep doing- you reached out and asked for help. And i wanted to be one of the many to affirm that magic, yet very real world heather wrote of- the one where when you call for help and connection, people answer. That's how it should be. You're here. You're doing it. Keep going.

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Oct 1, 2021Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Hello Drowning Woman,

I can relate. I'm so sorry you are going through such a painful experience.

I was married to an abusive Presbyterian minister. I was raised surrounded by narcissists and have spent years and years getting untangled from the influence of it all, reprogramming myself so as not to attract abusive people and to know how to get myself out of unhealthy situations. It's difficult, but so important to do that.

One resource I've recently found helpful is the YouTube videos put out by Dr. Ramani Durvasula. She's a psychologist who has decided to provide educational videos on narcissism/toxid/dysfunctional behavior and the impacts of narcissistic abuse. She's grounded, empathetic, compassionate, and like having a coach or friend on your side as she provides really helpful info that provides perspective on these awful situations it's so easy to get stuck in. I found that the feeling of being "outnumbered" in those situations has shifted quite a lot since becoming educated about the various dynamics I had unwittingly gotten myself into.

When I need quality support, I call the Warm Line. It's not a crisis line exactly, but is a place to get quality emotional support. You might check in your area to see if such a service exists.

There's also a wonderful non-profit called Someone to Tell it To, which provides quality listening provided by well-trained volunteers. What a difference it makes to feel true empathy and compassion. So healing.

Hope that might help.

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Oct 1, 2021Liked by Heather Havrilesky

My partner, who I thought I would marry, left me two and a half years ago. I bet my whole life on him and when the relationship was making us both miserable and my sense of self had almost disappeared, I still couldn't bring myself to end it. When he left me I was totally gutted. I had lost my mother at a young age and numbed myself to that, and now I felt everything, as if I was awake through surgery. I believed I had drifted away from all my remaining friends and family gradually and now I was alone and not going to make it.

Two and a half years on, I can now say confidently that I am much happier than I ever was when I was in that relationship, maybe happier than I was before in my life. This took a lot of what everyone will recommend - building a network up from stubs of existing connections, pretending to value friendship as much as I had grown used to obsessively valuing romance until I actually did, living through numbness until I enjoyed things again, therapy therapy therapy when affordable. Walking through fire basically.

Now I'm loved by lots of friends who choose actively to spend time with me rather than a person who treated me like an anchor he couldn't shake off but was dragging him down. I'm single again now, but I've been in love again since, and I've learned a lot about how I want to live. I didn't believe this was possible, and I'd sooner stay single than give that away ever again.

I remember spending a night at a fairly new friend's house the week he left. Her husband served her young family and me, the lonely lodger, a plate of pancakes for breakfast. Mornings were the worst and I had to get up and go into the kitchen to hide my tears. I remember looking at their kitchen worktop and thinking, no one is coming to get me and make this better. It was agony. And then after a few minutes, it was agony with the smell of pancakes. I wanted pancakes more than I wanted to disappear, so I went through, and I ate them. They were pretty good, and I took it from there. I always think of that as the moment I learned I wanted to live more than I wanted to be loved by one particular person.

My anecdotes might not even touch the sides right now, but I really believe you'll find your own way to where I am, and I'm sending lots of hope and love to you, DW.

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Oct 1, 2021Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Your story reminds me of someone I know. She is an amazing, brilliant, charismatic person who is also a lot, and there's no way you could tamp her down. She spend decades committed to loving her husband through everything, while he kept trying to push her away and finally managed it by doing something she couldn't ignore. Then she left him and has had decades of brilliant life since then. She made a difference in my life so big I almost can't express or describe what a difference it was. I keep meeting people who say the same thing about her. People she hadn't told me about who she lifted up when they were in a tough place. This is the life she lived once she wasn't pouring all of that into her husband who did not receive that love and effort in a positive way. You remind me of her because you are so expressive and brilliant and sound like you have so much to offer.

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The only way to get past this is to cut off communication. I realize that with a divorce, that’s less easy to do. But he will not ever change. Not ever. Strongly recommend reading “Why Does He Do That?”, and then open it up every time you thinking about calling or emailing of texting or you feel sad and lonely and miss him. You aren’t crazy, and you aren’t imagining this. And you can get through it.

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Oct 1, 2021Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Dear DW, you will look back on this moment one day and realise it was actually the beginning of when your life started getting better. I left a relationship similar to what you described. I left because I knew I had to protect my babies from getting the abuse too and I could see it was starting. I just wanted to tell you that now we’re all doing great. The friends I’ve made since I left him are amazing and have never judged me for the way he treated me. Tell your future friends the truth when you trust them, don’t keep this a secret don’t feel ashamed. Feel proud of yourself for surviving all that you have, all your life, and then maybe in a couple of months, maybe in a couple of years you’ll see that you are thriving. Love Kate

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Oct 1, 2021Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Drowning woman, I've been you. I've been you more times than once. I'm currently you, in fact, not with a romantic partner but with a family member I keep trying to cling to because I'm sure she'll come back and become the person she used to be. And even reading your letter, and recognizing I'm probably wrong, I can't seem to let go of that hope.

But this response isn't about me. It's about you. There is something amazing that happens when you leave an abusive relationship. You've been seeing the world through a distorted lens. Cruelty means someone is just really comfortable and honest with you. Kindness doesn't feel true in the same way. (I'm sure you have your own distorted lens, but this is what mine looked like.) As you slowly fix that and view the world more clearly, you start to see friends and family where you thought you had none. They may always have been there, but you didn't notice them. The universe opens up to you, and most importantly, you open up to yourself.

This is the hard part but in a few years, you'll look back at it as the beginning to a new, better life. This is a time when you can truly heal those bruises from the past and become the person you were meant to be.

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Oct 1, 2021Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I could not recommend Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" enough. A truly illuminating and life-saving book that explained many of the confusing dynamics I experienced. There are free PDFs if you google and many excerpts on goodreads.

This was one of the parts that really helped me: "One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed."

You are not crazy and you absolutely can get through this.

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Dear DW, I write to you as I would have liked to be written to when I was in a similar situation. You must first seek safety-physical safety but also emotional safety. You are living with an abusive partner and if it is not getting better it is getting worse. The emotional abuse is real and significant. I once stayed in a relationship with a controlling, substance abusing, cheating person because, I told myself, he does not hit me. I was intelligent, feminist, etc too. I was a strong woman. But I came from a severely abusive family and had sought out a series of abusive partners. He was attractive, pedigreed, and, I thought at the time, the best I could get as a damaged, neurotic, difficult to love woman with no family to speak of and very little money. I had weaknesses, problems I convinced myself rendered me unacceptable to better men. I wasted years of my life trying to please him, attempting to get the help I thought he needed, etc. I did this while watching as he self-destructed, drank, used cocaine, and barely managed to hang onto a high-paying professional job. I tell you all this in hopes that you will believe me when I tell you that you can come back from this. You can rebuild your life, brick by brick, even though it may not seem possible in this moment. When we narrowly focus on one person, one of the most destructive things is that we give up on our own true dreams and desires. We forget how much we have to offer the world because our souls have have been starved of love while living so close to what we fear most-the constant fear of abandonment. I don't know you but I know you have strengths. I know you have skills, even if you have temporarily forgotten them or diminished them in your mind. As Polly says, you must reach out, you must create a network of acquaintances, throw in a professional counselor, and actively engage in something you have a keen interest in that is completely outside of him. You will be reminded of your talents, your unique gifts

Engagement and giving the world the chance to give you positive feedback is part of your way out of this. There are parts of yourself, possibly friends, possibly talents, that you have buried. Now is the time to remember what once excited you and made you feel good about yourself. For me, it was my art and my community activism. Search your past, reach out to old friends if you need clues. You can do this. You can break this cycle and build a healthy life without him. You deserve to feel not only safe but cherished and loved. You have a lot to give underneath the pain. You can come back from anything. ❣️❣️❣️

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DW, I read this holding my breath — I could have written this letter. I’m further along and have ended the relationship. From here, it’s hard to remember the sharpest parts of the pain. You’ll reach this point in the road and beyond, too. Godspeed!

I found getting up super early and walking/running for 90 minutes, then doing a strength training workout saved my sanity and helped to process all the stress chemicals, while also giving me tremendous well-being. Highly rec.

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