Thank you Heather. You writing almost always brings tears to my eyes. I am more than twice the age of the LR but much of what you say, and what she says, applies to me at this stage of my life and of the life I have led. I have spent so much time forgiving others, and making excuses for them, but am just now learning to forgive myself, and to honor my needs and desires. I have turned my thinking around in part because I read your words and they resonate with me to the core. I am beginning to see that by hiding my wants and desires I lost many years when I could have been a hawk or a bunny and have found someone who would have loved me for both. I am nurturing the tiny flame of hope that still lives inside and wants to become a blazing fire.
"You think that being low-maintenance is an asset. It’s not. It’s a way of hiding in plain sight. It’s not honest and as long as you’re living that way, some fluffy, soft, delicious part of you will feel ignored and cheated."
those sentences really jumped up and bit me today, beginning as a painful personal evaluation and bleeding out to the broader context of how counter-intuitive being honest about ourselves becomes because of the gas-lit way of life today's society supports, particularly in the united states. specifically (because there are many rabbit holes we could take that one) -- independence and individualism are enshrined as holy traits, but only if we, and especially the "we" who identify as women, don't take them to a level where it in any way makes someone else uncomfortable. the horrors of being seen as "high-maintenance" have been ingrained so deeply in our psyche -- even in the womb before society gets a hold of us! epigenetics! all those generations before us! -- that we neglect to claim literally ANY maintenance for ourselves. fuck aspirations of that maintenance reaching high levels, whatever that's supposed to mean. we go to any extreme to prove to others and ourselves that we need the smallest amount of anything -- in fact, we need nothing, and if our shrinking -- whether physically, mentally, financially, spiritually, or emotionally -- is in detriment to our own happiness it can't matter; we're aiming to inspire and not infringe.
we might not be our great-grandmothers sacrificing any "alone time" to constant tobacco farming/housework/mending/cooking/expert pie baking/child-rearing/ladies' firehouse auxiliary duty doing/grand and great grand baby loving (you get it), but we certainly set our needs and desires aside in other ways we all know far too well (related sidebar - when did desires become completely separate from needs?) to fit definitions that honestly start to seem murky when you look at them. the best girlfriend is the "easy-going" one. the most loved adult child is the one the parents don't have to "worry" about and who "goes along" with whatever the "family consensus" is. the promoted employee is the one who doesn't question how it's "always been done." the best way of life is the minimalist way, "sentimental and impractical" objects be damned. "growing as a person" somehow warps into criticizing who we currently are.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this - except to say that so many of us are in similar boats with you, energy vampire, hiding ourselves in different ways to keep from being "high-maintenance." for what it's worth, I'm glad you stopped hiding for the time it took you to write to polly. sometimes it's fucking hard to even face the work of undoing the poison in our brains that denies us any sort of maintenance at all -- you writing in might have been a hard step to take while seeing yourself as and energy-taker and that deserves acknowledging. I'm always and eternally grateful for polly's words, wit and wisdom and the dual specificity and universality her advice never fails to hold -- but I'm also grateful for the community she's created in her readers and the willingness to be seen of those who write in (of which you are now one!).
Halfway through LW's letter I thought to myself: "This person is so so deeply depressed they can't even realize the borders of that depression, because that's what their whole field of vision is like." I can relate to that and to the sinking desperate feeling of being 33 and hopeless. I'm 35 and trying every day to romanticize this life of mine, the little moments of joy and anger and foolishness and braveness and cowardice. I do hope LW finds help and soars.
A small thing, but I really appreciate how often your first piece of advice to someone is to exercise, a lot. As someone whose life has been changed by doing just that, I think it's wonderful that you start with the practical foundations before moving on to the metaphysical.
As usual, Heather, you drill down to the heart of it. Thank for this. Again, everything you write applies to what I've been thinking on daily, regardless of the situation. xx
Heather, I’m someone who pretends to be chill and go with the flow on the outside but is absolutely crushed on the inside. I could have written half the letters you have responded to in your column. This past week has been one of my lowest. I did some googling with very sad search terms and came across this letter and your response. This was the first one of yours I read. While reading…it’s like you wrote this for me. I couldn’t contain my emotion and I’m pretty sure you saved my life. I subscribed so I can keep your words floating under me like a buoyant force. I’ll be reading over and over as I try to heal and feel important and whole. It’s so hard but you’ve made me take the first steps. Thank you.
Thank you Heather. You writing almost always brings tears to my eyes. I am more than twice the age of the LR but much of what you say, and what she says, applies to me at this stage of my life and of the life I have led. I have spent so much time forgiving others, and making excuses for them, but am just now learning to forgive myself, and to honor my needs and desires. I have turned my thinking around in part because I read your words and they resonate with me to the core. I am beginning to see that by hiding my wants and desires I lost many years when I could have been a hawk or a bunny and have found someone who would have loved me for both. I am nurturing the tiny flame of hope that still lives inside and wants to become a blazing fire.
"You think that being low-maintenance is an asset. It’s not. It’s a way of hiding in plain sight. It’s not honest and as long as you’re living that way, some fluffy, soft, delicious part of you will feel ignored and cheated."
those sentences really jumped up and bit me today, beginning as a painful personal evaluation and bleeding out to the broader context of how counter-intuitive being honest about ourselves becomes because of the gas-lit way of life today's society supports, particularly in the united states. specifically (because there are many rabbit holes we could take that one) -- independence and individualism are enshrined as holy traits, but only if we, and especially the "we" who identify as women, don't take them to a level where it in any way makes someone else uncomfortable. the horrors of being seen as "high-maintenance" have been ingrained so deeply in our psyche -- even in the womb before society gets a hold of us! epigenetics! all those generations before us! -- that we neglect to claim literally ANY maintenance for ourselves. fuck aspirations of that maintenance reaching high levels, whatever that's supposed to mean. we go to any extreme to prove to others and ourselves that we need the smallest amount of anything -- in fact, we need nothing, and if our shrinking -- whether physically, mentally, financially, spiritually, or emotionally -- is in detriment to our own happiness it can't matter; we're aiming to inspire and not infringe.
we might not be our great-grandmothers sacrificing any "alone time" to constant tobacco farming/housework/mending/cooking/expert pie baking/child-rearing/ladies' firehouse auxiliary duty doing/grand and great grand baby loving (you get it), but we certainly set our needs and desires aside in other ways we all know far too well (related sidebar - when did desires become completely separate from needs?) to fit definitions that honestly start to seem murky when you look at them. the best girlfriend is the "easy-going" one. the most loved adult child is the one the parents don't have to "worry" about and who "goes along" with whatever the "family consensus" is. the promoted employee is the one who doesn't question how it's "always been done." the best way of life is the minimalist way, "sentimental and impractical" objects be damned. "growing as a person" somehow warps into criticizing who we currently are.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this - except to say that so many of us are in similar boats with you, energy vampire, hiding ourselves in different ways to keep from being "high-maintenance." for what it's worth, I'm glad you stopped hiding for the time it took you to write to polly. sometimes it's fucking hard to even face the work of undoing the poison in our brains that denies us any sort of maintenance at all -- you writing in might have been a hard step to take while seeing yourself as and energy-taker and that deserves acknowledging. I'm always and eternally grateful for polly's words, wit and wisdom and the dual specificity and universality her advice never fails to hold -- but I'm also grateful for the community she's created in her readers and the willingness to be seen of those who write in (of which you are now one!).
Halfway through LW's letter I thought to myself: "This person is so so deeply depressed they can't even realize the borders of that depression, because that's what their whole field of vision is like." I can relate to that and to the sinking desperate feeling of being 33 and hopeless. I'm 35 and trying every day to romanticize this life of mine, the little moments of joy and anger and foolishness and braveness and cowardice. I do hope LW finds help and soars.
Thanks, Polly! You are always picking a fight with my grouchy overlord. 💚💚💚
A small thing, but I really appreciate how often your first piece of advice to someone is to exercise, a lot. As someone whose life has been changed by doing just that, I think it's wonderful that you start with the practical foundations before moving on to the metaphysical.
I fucking love this!!! Best Ask Polly ever!
So much of this article speaks to me! Thank you!!!
As usual, Heather, you drill down to the heart of it. Thank for this. Again, everything you write applies to what I've been thinking on daily, regardless of the situation. xx
Heather, I’m someone who pretends to be chill and go with the flow on the outside but is absolutely crushed on the inside. I could have written half the letters you have responded to in your column. This past week has been one of my lowest. I did some googling with very sad search terms and came across this letter and your response. This was the first one of yours I read. While reading…it’s like you wrote this for me. I couldn’t contain my emotion and I’m pretty sure you saved my life. I subscribed so I can keep your words floating under me like a buoyant force. I’ll be reading over and over as I try to heal and feel important and whole. It’s so hard but you’ve made me take the first steps. Thank you.