'I Might Not Be Straight'

Just be honest and everything will fall into place.

My book Foreverland came out on Tuesday and I’ve been in New York City, drinking gin cocktails and staring out at the Brooklyn Bridge, feeling grateful to be alive. I talked about my book (read this rave review!) in a church and also in a hotel room. Humans of all stripes - married, dating, single - are writing to let me know that they’re loving my book so far. Yes I wrote “loving” and that’s braggy but it’s true. I have to brag because I feel absurdly proud of this book. Maybe it’s time to get yourself a copy!

I knew I wanted this week’s Polly to be special, so I wrote 5,000 words questioning why you would assign a woman’s marriage memoir to a man who believes “marriage is a secret.” Incredibly enough, some of these words did seem useful! So I’m going to take the time to polish them into something more concise when I get home.

In the meantime, I offer you this follow-up letter from an Ask Polly reader who wrote to me two years ago, worrying that she might not be straight. My response is not really a column — I just tell her directly, without jokes or ALL CAPS, that she should tell her boyfriend the truth about how she’s feeling. What’s beautiful is her reply, which I received this morning. It made me cry my eyes out in my hotel room bed.

Dear Polly,

My partner and I have been in a long-term monogamous relationship for a number of years now. We are each other's first, and have insanely good communication and trust between us.

When we first started dating, I thought I was straight. As time passed and I met other queer folks, I started to suspect I was bisexual and might be more attracted to women than men. But at least in my experience of getting together with my partner, I felt like I had at least some attraction for men, and because the relationship was so healthy and stable, I decided to make peace with knowing I was queer and might not get a chance to explore my queerness.

More time passed, and the honeymoon phase is ended. We went through a lot of shit (mostly by external forces) and communication and trust has been at its peak since. I began to realize I might be on the ace spectrum, and we were able to discuss possibly opening our relationship if we felt like our physical needs weren't being met because our relationship otherwise is amazing. Being able to discuss these things and having survived a huge rocky period together convinced me that this was the man I wanted to marry.

But recently, as we are about to hit half a decade together, I met a woman like no one I've met before. To be honest, I have been imagining this scenario for years as was still not mentally prepared: She and I have bumped into each other a couple of times through a shared hobby and have become fast friends, there was platonic physical touch during a deep conversation one night, and I fell head over heels for her. Now I find myself questioning who I am once again: I have never experienced infatuation to this degree with a guy, and in the past I was unaware that I could possibly be attracted to women until I was already in a monogamous relationship. She felt like a soul mate to me, and this is the though of someone who 1) doesn't believe in soul mates 2) does not like succumbing to infatuation and irrationality (I don't even know if she will date women!).

The truth is these past few years I have wondered if perhaps I am just a lesbian: The way I am attracted to guys is so methodical it sometimes feels like I'm forcing it, while over the years I would find myself being drawn to women, and use that energy to become friends with them. Or I would wonder if I could really be happy spending the rest of my life with a guy. Even my partner, who saw the two of us together and observed our interactions, wondered if I was lying to myself about how I feel about us (I would be happy in our relationship with him) and her (I just really enjoy strong friendships with other women). I don't know what I should do: sure, I can open up the relationship or take a break as we agreed, but morally, I feel like the right thing to do if I decide I am this interested in exploring is to break up with him so he's not just there like a back up plan. Do you have thoughts on what I (we) should do?

Utterly Torn and Confused

Dear UTAC,

Just tell him what’s going on. If he wants to be a back up, that’s fine. Maybe you want that, too, in terms of having someone who’s amazing and cares about you, in case you don’t feel the same once you get closer to a woman. I do think it sounds like you might prefer women, honestly, and it’s exciting and good to know that, even though I know it makes it difficult with your boyfriend, who’s such a good person. 

It’s tough. I think you should just be honest with him if you can. He sounds like a person who can handle the truth. It would be better for him if you were honest right now. That’s the real question: honest or not honest. Is it garbagey to pursue a woman you like? Not if he knows the deal and you take a break or open your relationship. As long as he knows that you’re feeling like you might actually be a lesbian, then he’s dealing with all of the facts on the ground.

Sorry for just throwing this out there without the full Polly treatment, but this felt urgent. And I think you’re actually in a great place that’s worth celebrating. I get how heartbreaking it is. And of course, this woman could be straight. So I guess I believe that it’s really about being honest and trusting that as long as you’re honest, things will work out the way they should work out. 

If you were married, clearly it would be more delicate. If you’d never talked about an open relationship, that would be different, too. You’ve already been very forthcoming. I think it makes simple sense to just tell him what’s up and show him that you really do love him and this will be hard for you, too.

I hope it all goes well! You seem like the kind of person who will be happy in love, honestly. I would try not to feel too terrible about anything right now. You’re coming alive and discovering what excites you and makes you feel things. That’s so good and so amazing. Try to savor it!!!! 

Very best wishes,

Polly

*TWO YEARS PASS! INSERT DEPRESSING PANDEMIC MONTAGE HERE!*

Dear Polly,

Two years ago when I reached out to you at The Cut, you actually emailed me personally on advice for what I should do about my realization that I might be a lesbian.

I broke up with the first love of my life, and immediately after, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders: I knew I had made the right choice. Even with a crazy year, I had never been so excited and happy to have a chance to live the queer life I kept dreaming about. I mean, yeah I'm now happily in a relationship with an amazing woman, but truthfully, I'm elated to NOT be living a life that I thought that I'd be stuck with.

My ex and I are still friends. I'm grateful to not lose this friendship. But really, I'm even more grateful for things I did lose. I lost my inexplicable anger I felt against the world. For example, no more being pissed at straight men for existing. I lost my obsession with controlling everything. I discovered how nice it was to let someone else take care of me. I lost my disgust (or perhaps fear?) towards my sexuality. I TRULY never thought I'd like having sex, kissing, being called "babe.”

Being queer and in a queer relationship hasn't solved all my problems: A new relationship showed me which problems went beyond me, and which ones stem from me. But I wouldn't trade my current life for the world. I'm SO SO GLAD I decided to give myself the chance to explore my queerness.

And I wanted to say, thank you for being a part of that journey, (and I'm enjoying your Substack).

No Longer Torn and Confused

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The moral here is that when you’re honest about how you feel, your life gets better. This is what my book Foreverland is about, and it’s what my whole life is about now. Thanks for traveling with me on this path toward more honesty, more feeling, more passion, more honoring what’s in your big heart and chaotic mind. I couldn’t do it without you.