I relate so much. When I was 35, my kids were 4 and 1 and I had a similar existential crisis. I decided I needed to accomplish more in my life and tried to fulfill that with applying to grad school. I thought if I had a more serious, more prestigious career the bad feelings would go away. I felt so tired and stuck and limited and I think I thought that a fancy title would give me a socially acceptable way to take the time I wanted to take for myself (I realize this makes no sense). I muddled through for years and felt miserable. My two best friends are childless so I felt like I couldn’t even complain about my situation very much. Eventually I realized that I needed to ask for what I wanted. I sat down with my husband and explained that I needed more time for myself and we worked out a plan for that to happen. I felt so ungrateful and lazy but also liberated and happy for the first time in a long time. What I wanted did not line up with something that was cute and socially acceptable. Now my kids are 10 and 6 and I’m 39 and it’s like we live on a different planet than we did back in the toddler years. It’s very very hard to be honest about what you want especially as a mom. I still struggle with feeling lazy or ungrateful, but I finally realize those are external judgements.
I am currently living the mediocre-dream life, but the shift that has happened for me of the last few years (of true middle age) is that I measure the successfulness of my days in how much of the day I spend as my authentic self. Before that I don't think I could even tap into what my actual ambition was. All those past goals seem like the ghosts of others expectations. Also having small children is amazing and every time I see small children with their parents, I thank ALL THE GODS that mine have grown up.
Hi Polly, thank you for your work and to the writers who share. I love this column so much, and I find myself so confused by the advice to feel your feelings, which comes up a lot. I feel that I do that, but then it seems like wallowing. I'm wondering if there is another way to phrase or interpret it. Or what is the difference between "feeling" and not feeling your feelings? Can you or anyone help me understand what this means in a different way?
Did my 2020/2021 self write this? Did my 2022 self answer it?!? Except for the toddlers, I relate to every word of this. Thanks, Heather, for saying what’s in my brain even better than I could (she says with mild jealousy.)
The thing I’ve found most helpful for my ADHD version of this has been my “brain poppers” - ie doing a creative activity that I don’t normally do, am not necessarily “good” at, and stimulates my hyperfocus. (One of mine is literally just spraypainting things. I now have an array of brightly colored pots and furniture.) I give myself permission to be terrible at it, and man, that is so freeing.
When I was a young mother with twin two-year-olds and a four-year-old, our house was a mess. We wore hand-me-down clothes from the charitable store. I had 2 pairs of jeans and a couple of shirts. My husband had just finished a post-doc. We had just moved to a college town where my husband had gotten a job as an assistant professor in the veterinary school.
The dean’s wife held monthly meetings for the “veterinary wives”. (In those days, most veterinarians were men.) I remember looking at her hall carpeting and her baseboards. They were pristine. I said I wished I could keep mine clean like that. Lovely woman that she was, the dean’s wife smiled at me and said, “You have three little ones. Our house was always a mess when our kids were little, too.”
It gave me such a good feeling to know I wasn’t the only one and that I wasn’t “bad.”
I hope your column this morning gives other people the same feeling I had that day.
Hello Polly. While reading this I purchased a copy of your book. If everyone else does then we will have solved your problems. You are welcome for that.
As usual, there is much wisdom and practicality in the advice you offer here. What advice do you have for the partners, spouses, siblings and friends of those who are trapped in this lament about the mediocrity of their lives? As the wife ( 22 years) of someone with severe depression/anxiety/PTSD and professional burnout ( who is getting professional help for all of that) , I am often at a loss to find the right words to be supportive. I do not want to be that” unhappy neighbor” in the story. Neither am I someone who tries to block feelings or pretend that everything is OK when it isn’t. Yet the joy and connection that I feel in my life stands is such sharp contrast to his experience of very similar circumstances.
I was getting all the feels from this column, except I’m really middle aged (46). Decent career that I like most days but not passionate about but will never leave (too cushy… and too specialized), childless by choice and married to someone with zero existential angst, living in a big city, money to travel which is as close to a passion as I have . A few hobbies and a couple great friends but not a big social circle like I dreamt I would have one day when I was a nerdy kid living in a small city. . AND I also cope with Stardew Valley. But I can’t shake the constant feeling that I’m wasting my life and should be more productive and useful and happy but I can get the energy to do anything but the smallest goals.
It's nice to hear that I'm not the only middle-aged person (29 is way back in the dusty reaches of my memory, so I think I qualify) who's experiencing what I wouldn't call "existential angst" but a severe case of the "existential blahs." I know full well I am lucky as fuck - come on, I was born a straight white male in the United States to not-quite-boomer parents, had a stay at home mom looking after me, got sent to Catholic school where the nuns didn't beat us with rulers (the worst I got was a C+ in penmanship because I was left-handed, but they didn't try to change that). My father was a doctor, was able to put me through an Ivy-equivalent college without incurring any debt. I'm in good health, have a home of my own, a wife who adores me, and three children who are either self-sufficient or who are on track to get into good schools. I make good money (of course, the kids spend it all) and I've been comfortably working from home for the last two years. I'm fully aware that I've got it better than 99.9% of people in the world.
But I'm vaguely dissatisfied too. I'm just not interested in anything, really. Well, that's not true - I'm interested in lots and lots of different things, but nothing grabs me and holds my attention. I've signed up for at least half a dozen classes on things I'd like to learn, but after a class or two I'm bored and some other shiny object has grabbed my attention. I know what I need to do just settle down and do one thing but... I don't know, just can't do it. My resolution for this year was to write a novel - not a good one, nothing I expect to publish, but just so I'll have the satisfaction of knowing I'd written a book. 15,000 words into it and I realize I've written myself into a corner, and fixing it means excising the last half of what I've written and picking back up. I dunno, but if I had to guess, that's probably not going to happen. Maybe I should start over with something else. See, there I go again!
I'm just not getting satisfaction from anything and I know that I should be. I've got the guilt you were talking about, absolutely. I'm just not sure I can "feel my feelings" when I'm not really feeling anything, you know? Unfortunately I'm one of those people who is motivated by external validation - and even people telling me how great I am or how well I'm doing has gotten old. I feel like I should be doing more, even when I'm doing plenty. I haven't done anything hard in probably a decade.
(Reading this back, it sounds like it could be depression, but I'm pretty sure it isn't - been there, done that, got the meds.)
"Is this a phase?" Yes. Look--you're 35. You've got about a zillion more lives to lead, ones you can't even imagine right now. You're gonna be a-okay. You're gonna look back at these years when you danced with your kids and be amazed at how great all of it was. Go ahead and feel mediocre now. It's okay. We all feel that time a lot of the time. Life isn't always exciting or fun. Mediocrity feels shitty, but you know--you're a human. I've had all the same questions as you at different points in my life. It's completely normal. The best advice my former therapist ever gave me was this: You don't have to do anything.
Over the past three years I have come to accept that pursuing joy, and prioritizing delight, is the most sacred ambition of all.
I have always had more ambition that I know how to handle. But I also realize that the need to be always striving--seeking--doing--working--bettering--to define ourselves by our output--feels so American.
Do we want to live to work, or work to live? Reframing this conversation seems absolutely critical to our health and wellbeing. Especially as women. <3
I needed this today even though a lot of these things are things I already "know" and I have so little faith in my ability to change.
I'm in SUCH a good place in life. We bought a house last year in a very expensive part of the country. I've managed to take my career from the past 10 years and move back into a more fulfilling line of work where I can feel like my work is doing good. I have more people reporting to me and make more money than I ever have before. My husband is great. And now that COVID is calming down I get to contemplate going back to performing and have gotten to sing in person again.
But when I'm really honest (rare) I'm JUST. SO. TIRED. I don't have a good excuse like kids. In theory I have plenty of free time! Especially compared to the majority of women I talk to in my age group who have kids. I have to occasionally do things for my mom now that she lives near me and that takes more time and energy than 2 years ago before she was here but... it's not that much.
So I get to this very blocked place because I'm so tired and I just want to lay down and do nothing ever again and it makes so little sense and laying down doesn't even feel good so I fight it every step of the way. I just keep pushing myself into my work and pushing myself to do my hobbies because when I sit down and rest I just feel even worse. I took two weeks off at Christmas time and all that happened is it felt great while I was off, much more excited about my hobbies and so much more relaxed - and then I dreaded going back to work. As soon as I was back at work I was exhausted again.
Sometimes I wonder if I missed the boat and having a kid or two would have given me some sort of joy that would make sense of this existence and make the slog worth it, but most of the time I realize that's just me grasping for the next "fix" because I've never really wanted kids and the idea of actually raising kids is not appealing to me at all.
I don't know what my answer is since apparently (based on that vacation) I just want to sit around and do very little all day and I know from the past that I don't feel great doing that for too long either. Ugh.
First, just wanted to say that I am so delighted HH has played stardew valley. Stardew valley truly taught me how a filthy rich person could be truly miserable (NOT TO SAY THAT MONEY DOES NOT SOLVE PROBLEMS IT DOES). That once I had worked for everything (including the teleporting stick and all of the towers and the greenhouse of ancient plants) and made hundreds of thousands of gold per day it was like....what matters anymore??
Also, I would love to talk to this letter writer. I’ve been doing informational interviews with academics who left academia this year, and it’s been really valuable. It’s absolutely okay if you stay in your current position, but there are also so many options outside if that ever feels right <3
Wow this post, it's talking to me. I needed this one. So many great quotes!
"Nothing will make you feel worse than believing that you’re an asshole for not feeling joyful enough.
"I don’t want to arrive somewhere special. I just want to discover something transcendent inside the mundane."
I am often an asshole for not feeling enough joy. It's so stupid and my brain knows this, but there it is. The mundane is where the magic is and I forgot! I forget all the time, thanks for the reminder. I am so much older than this letter writer and still struggle with these things that I absolutely know but somehow forget, over and over again. Try fail try again. I love this newsletter. Thanks for writing it.
I relate so much. When I was 35, my kids were 4 and 1 and I had a similar existential crisis. I decided I needed to accomplish more in my life and tried to fulfill that with applying to grad school. I thought if I had a more serious, more prestigious career the bad feelings would go away. I felt so tired and stuck and limited and I think I thought that a fancy title would give me a socially acceptable way to take the time I wanted to take for myself (I realize this makes no sense). I muddled through for years and felt miserable. My two best friends are childless so I felt like I couldn’t even complain about my situation very much. Eventually I realized that I needed to ask for what I wanted. I sat down with my husband and explained that I needed more time for myself and we worked out a plan for that to happen. I felt so ungrateful and lazy but also liberated and happy for the first time in a long time. What I wanted did not line up with something that was cute and socially acceptable. Now my kids are 10 and 6 and I’m 39 and it’s like we live on a different planet than we did back in the toddler years. It’s very very hard to be honest about what you want especially as a mom. I still struggle with feeling lazy or ungrateful, but I finally realize those are external judgements.
Poe and the four conditions of happiness:
1. Life in the open air.
2. The love of another being.
3. Forgetfulness of all ambition.
4. Creation.
I am currently living the mediocre-dream life, but the shift that has happened for me of the last few years (of true middle age) is that I measure the successfulness of my days in how much of the day I spend as my authentic self. Before that I don't think I could even tap into what my actual ambition was. All those past goals seem like the ghosts of others expectations. Also having small children is amazing and every time I see small children with their parents, I thank ALL THE GODS that mine have grown up.
Hi Polly, thank you for your work and to the writers who share. I love this column so much, and I find myself so confused by the advice to feel your feelings, which comes up a lot. I feel that I do that, but then it seems like wallowing. I'm wondering if there is another way to phrase or interpret it. Or what is the difference between "feeling" and not feeling your feelings? Can you or anyone help me understand what this means in a different way?
Did my 2020/2021 self write this? Did my 2022 self answer it?!? Except for the toddlers, I relate to every word of this. Thanks, Heather, for saying what’s in my brain even better than I could (she says with mild jealousy.)
The thing I’ve found most helpful for my ADHD version of this has been my “brain poppers” - ie doing a creative activity that I don’t normally do, am not necessarily “good” at, and stimulates my hyperfocus. (One of mine is literally just spraypainting things. I now have an array of brightly colored pots and furniture.) I give myself permission to be terrible at it, and man, that is so freeing.
When I was a young mother with twin two-year-olds and a four-year-old, our house was a mess. We wore hand-me-down clothes from the charitable store. I had 2 pairs of jeans and a couple of shirts. My husband had just finished a post-doc. We had just moved to a college town where my husband had gotten a job as an assistant professor in the veterinary school.
The dean’s wife held monthly meetings for the “veterinary wives”. (In those days, most veterinarians were men.) I remember looking at her hall carpeting and her baseboards. They were pristine. I said I wished I could keep mine clean like that. Lovely woman that she was, the dean’s wife smiled at me and said, “You have three little ones. Our house was always a mess when our kids were little, too.”
It gave me such a good feeling to know I wasn’t the only one and that I wasn’t “bad.”
I hope your column this morning gives other people the same feeling I had that day.
Hello Polly. While reading this I purchased a copy of your book. If everyone else does then we will have solved your problems. You are welcome for that.
As usual, there is much wisdom and practicality in the advice you offer here. What advice do you have for the partners, spouses, siblings and friends of those who are trapped in this lament about the mediocrity of their lives? As the wife ( 22 years) of someone with severe depression/anxiety/PTSD and professional burnout ( who is getting professional help for all of that) , I am often at a loss to find the right words to be supportive. I do not want to be that” unhappy neighbor” in the story. Neither am I someone who tries to block feelings or pretend that everything is OK when it isn’t. Yet the joy and connection that I feel in my life stands is such sharp contrast to his experience of very similar circumstances.
I was getting all the feels from this column, except I’m really middle aged (46). Decent career that I like most days but not passionate about but will never leave (too cushy… and too specialized), childless by choice and married to someone with zero existential angst, living in a big city, money to travel which is as close to a passion as I have . A few hobbies and a couple great friends but not a big social circle like I dreamt I would have one day when I was a nerdy kid living in a small city. . AND I also cope with Stardew Valley. But I can’t shake the constant feeling that I’m wasting my life and should be more productive and useful and happy but I can get the energy to do anything but the smallest goals.
It's nice to hear that I'm not the only middle-aged person (29 is way back in the dusty reaches of my memory, so I think I qualify) who's experiencing what I wouldn't call "existential angst" but a severe case of the "existential blahs." I know full well I am lucky as fuck - come on, I was born a straight white male in the United States to not-quite-boomer parents, had a stay at home mom looking after me, got sent to Catholic school where the nuns didn't beat us with rulers (the worst I got was a C+ in penmanship because I was left-handed, but they didn't try to change that). My father was a doctor, was able to put me through an Ivy-equivalent college without incurring any debt. I'm in good health, have a home of my own, a wife who adores me, and three children who are either self-sufficient or who are on track to get into good schools. I make good money (of course, the kids spend it all) and I've been comfortably working from home for the last two years. I'm fully aware that I've got it better than 99.9% of people in the world.
But I'm vaguely dissatisfied too. I'm just not interested in anything, really. Well, that's not true - I'm interested in lots and lots of different things, but nothing grabs me and holds my attention. I've signed up for at least half a dozen classes on things I'd like to learn, but after a class or two I'm bored and some other shiny object has grabbed my attention. I know what I need to do just settle down and do one thing but... I don't know, just can't do it. My resolution for this year was to write a novel - not a good one, nothing I expect to publish, but just so I'll have the satisfaction of knowing I'd written a book. 15,000 words into it and I realize I've written myself into a corner, and fixing it means excising the last half of what I've written and picking back up. I dunno, but if I had to guess, that's probably not going to happen. Maybe I should start over with something else. See, there I go again!
I'm just not getting satisfaction from anything and I know that I should be. I've got the guilt you were talking about, absolutely. I'm just not sure I can "feel my feelings" when I'm not really feeling anything, you know? Unfortunately I'm one of those people who is motivated by external validation - and even people telling me how great I am or how well I'm doing has gotten old. I feel like I should be doing more, even when I'm doing plenty. I haven't done anything hard in probably a decade.
(Reading this back, it sounds like it could be depression, but I'm pretty sure it isn't - been there, done that, got the meds.)
"Is this a phase?" Yes. Look--you're 35. You've got about a zillion more lives to lead, ones you can't even imagine right now. You're gonna be a-okay. You're gonna look back at these years when you danced with your kids and be amazed at how great all of it was. Go ahead and feel mediocre now. It's okay. We all feel that time a lot of the time. Life isn't always exciting or fun. Mediocrity feels shitty, but you know--you're a human. I've had all the same questions as you at different points in my life. It's completely normal. The best advice my former therapist ever gave me was this: You don't have to do anything.
Love the permission to just feel what we feel.
Over the past three years I have come to accept that pursuing joy, and prioritizing delight, is the most sacred ambition of all.
I have always had more ambition that I know how to handle. But I also realize that the need to be always striving--seeking--doing--working--bettering--to define ourselves by our output--feels so American.
Do we want to live to work, or work to live? Reframing this conversation seems absolutely critical to our health and wellbeing. Especially as women. <3
Take care out there, HH readers!
I needed this today even though a lot of these things are things I already "know" and I have so little faith in my ability to change.
I'm in SUCH a good place in life. We bought a house last year in a very expensive part of the country. I've managed to take my career from the past 10 years and move back into a more fulfilling line of work where I can feel like my work is doing good. I have more people reporting to me and make more money than I ever have before. My husband is great. And now that COVID is calming down I get to contemplate going back to performing and have gotten to sing in person again.
But when I'm really honest (rare) I'm JUST. SO. TIRED. I don't have a good excuse like kids. In theory I have plenty of free time! Especially compared to the majority of women I talk to in my age group who have kids. I have to occasionally do things for my mom now that she lives near me and that takes more time and energy than 2 years ago before she was here but... it's not that much.
So I get to this very blocked place because I'm so tired and I just want to lay down and do nothing ever again and it makes so little sense and laying down doesn't even feel good so I fight it every step of the way. I just keep pushing myself into my work and pushing myself to do my hobbies because when I sit down and rest I just feel even worse. I took two weeks off at Christmas time and all that happened is it felt great while I was off, much more excited about my hobbies and so much more relaxed - and then I dreaded going back to work. As soon as I was back at work I was exhausted again.
Sometimes I wonder if I missed the boat and having a kid or two would have given me some sort of joy that would make sense of this existence and make the slog worth it, but most of the time I realize that's just me grasping for the next "fix" because I've never really wanted kids and the idea of actually raising kids is not appealing to me at all.
I don't know what my answer is since apparently (based on that vacation) I just want to sit around and do very little all day and I know from the past that I don't feel great doing that for too long either. Ugh.
Beautifully written. Thank you Polly, some valuable advice there
First, just wanted to say that I am so delighted HH has played stardew valley. Stardew valley truly taught me how a filthy rich person could be truly miserable (NOT TO SAY THAT MONEY DOES NOT SOLVE PROBLEMS IT DOES). That once I had worked for everything (including the teleporting stick and all of the towers and the greenhouse of ancient plants) and made hundreds of thousands of gold per day it was like....what matters anymore??
Also, I would love to talk to this letter writer. I’ve been doing informational interviews with academics who left academia this year, and it’s been really valuable. It’s absolutely okay if you stay in your current position, but there are also so many options outside if that ever feels right <3
Thanks Polly for sharing. I really like this line: “It does take work. But it doesn’t take *motivation.* Because I crave the work itself.”
Wow this post, it's talking to me. I needed this one. So many great quotes!
"Nothing will make you feel worse than believing that you’re an asshole for not feeling joyful enough.
"I don’t want to arrive somewhere special. I just want to discover something transcendent inside the mundane."
I am often an asshole for not feeling enough joy. It's so stupid and my brain knows this, but there it is. The mundane is where the magic is and I forgot! I forget all the time, thanks for the reminder. I am so much older than this letter writer and still struggle with these things that I absolutely know but somehow forget, over and over again. Try fail try again. I love this newsletter. Thanks for writing it.