4 Comments

OMFG get a nanny. Big money means that you get to make those kinds of choices. I made it TWO weeks (now I had an a**hole husband who thought children were a great idea as long as he didn't have to interact with them, so there's that) before I was online during naptime finding and then interviewing nannies.

I *still* didn't write for 2 years, but she saved my sanity. I have done and will do anything for her and her family forever.

Think of someone else having a huge big love for your child and who will laugh and play and teach your child all the things you'd never think of. It was an LA cliche and maybe people judged, I have no idea because I was in a kind of fog and didn't care anyway. Many of my actress friends had nannies and it was all fine. They got to audition and do plays and go to acting coaches and god knows exercise like fiends and keep all that together.

I'm sitting here right now across from a now 11 year old who's lovely and wonderful and okay! He's fine! He's great! He's better for the experience.

Expand full comment
Jul 14, 2021Liked by Heather Havrilesky

"It feels like this insurmountable mountain to climb, and I feel like I'm next to the mountain in a lake drowning."

Oof - what a great phrase - I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel it as incredibly on point relatable. And I'm not even a parent. Polly's advice is better than any I would have for you, MM (this is another great response in my obviously unprofessional, unparental opinion, Polly), but maybe just someone saying that you are seen and heard and supported - even by strangers - might be helpful for you to hear? You sound like a truly wonderful mother and stellar partner - and (at least from my pov) just taking the step to write in to Polly means you haven't become that "gender cliche" and won't; you are still fighting for yourself and your personal dreams, which may or may not be separate from being a wife and a mother. And there are folks like me cheer-leading you every step of that journey, whatever that self becomes/chooses and whatever those dreams may be.

Expand full comment

There’s something about constant serving toddler’s needs that messes up with mother’s sense of who she is, confidence and ability to see the world around her clearly. There probably is a research somewhere that proves that being in constant state of alert (what’s that noise?! Did my toddler find some new creative way of committing seppuku?), years of sleep deprivation and scanning for unmet needs, actually takes the prefrontal cortex part of brain offline.

I feel so much for you, Miserable Mother. I’ve been there myself. I was so lost in wanting to be the best parent, feeling like I have to do it all myself (but look at all those stay at home mothers around me, they seem to be OK with it!), pushing myself and feeling like a total failure.

Wish I had the opportunity to get as grounded and good advice as this one from Polly to help me make the first step of even asking myself what I need, honouring it and then asking my partner straight and clear to support me in making it a reality.

Expand full comment

Thank you for this. It is exactly the permission I needed today.

Expand full comment