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I had a terrible nightmare last night. I'd bought a new house in a new town for a new job. When I go to move in, I realize that what I've purchased is a giant room in a hotel (not a great one). I called the front desk to ask if I might paint the ugly walls. "No." Then, a room attendant comes to see me. "If you rate my services high, you can paint the walls." Okay. Better. But then, a young woman is in the hallway, coming out of one of the rooms with a bowl of oatmeal. She's in her bathrobe. "Who ARE you?" She looks at me with gentle sadness. "YOU LIVE HERE?!" Yep. Then, I notice another. And then, a bro-dude reclining in a lounger eating nachos and watching sportsball IN MY BEDROOM. Yelling ensues. Lots going on. I woke feeling so sad, but almost immediately I felt IMMENSE, GLOWING GRATITUDE for my tiny condo (1000 sf). We'd had a 2000 sf "house" when we lived in Utah, but we moved for love and family and to help out, and Naperville isn't cheap. My beautiful condo, where the walls are the color of my choosing, and the design elements are ALL MOI. Mike, watching tennis, comforts me with his presence.

Shame has done much to make me wrestle with the downsides of downsizing and taking career risks (I'm formerly tenured; now, unemployed & picking up gig work as a college writing teacher and part time actor). But so much of what you write in this column helps me to see myself. You essentially describe me: I'm that letter writer, always finding a way to nag at my life when I designed it. Most days, I embrace it. This past week, with a back sprain, I've dipped into some depresh. And, well, this COVID year didn't help.

All of this is to say, THANK YOU. Excellent column. Very grateful!!

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Exactly what was needed this morning...and so many mornings. Shame is such a heavy weight and can be so difficult to shove off - your words about it being inextricably linked to second-guessing the self and personal decisions are incredibly on point. There's such a paralyzing anxiety when it comes to choices sometimes, especially if those choices are acted upon through the lens of perceived failure on the last choice made. And I can pinpoint the trauma and abuse - some of it ongoing - that led to this default self-suspicion and my current journey towards reuniting with my gut and amplifying my inner voice, but sometimes that pinpointing brings less clarity and more...well...shame. All that is to say - thanks for your words. Like the small, lovely intricacies of daily life (which I also resonated with so strongly!), they are a balm.

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I don't know how this happened but I always end up checking your posts and see it I can find something for the things I am currently experiencing. This week I felt how easy it is for me to get influenced by other people and social media, and how this makes me question all the decisions I am making in my life, and makes me do things that are probably not the things I really want to do. Thank you for this.

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Thank you. I'm old and often feel overcome by shame over all my choices — just as you describe — and where I've ended up. (Yes, I know it's not over yet, but the opportunities are fewer.) "Art is the opposite of shame" is a pretty good mantra.

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Thank you for this. The eternal battle with shame continues!

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Good one, Heather!

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Totally agree, our regrets have so much to show us is we can listen to their whispers with out the shame and self-doubt. Thanks again for the reminder!

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Ughhhhh… I feel this one hard today. I moved to a new nearby (bigger) city about 7 months before the pandemic and I can’t quite parse whether I hate it here (so far) because I’ve spent more time here in a pandemic than out of one. I loved the last city I was in, but new job in bigger city = bigger paycheck = better quality of life (in theory). I was bad at dating in my previous city, but at least I had friends and loved the nooks and crannies of where I lived. Here’s to hoping I can push through it and find those moments that make it worth it. Thanks for the read Heather!

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