This is such good advice. Also, to the OP, I can say from personal experience (as someone with an avoidant attachment style who fell deeply in love very young) I needed a lot of space and tolerance from my now-husband when we were in our early twenties. I wasn’t ready to get married when he was ready to get married and it hurt his feelings a lot, but he was able to talk through it and wait until the prospect was less terrifying to me. THEN I went through a whole phase where I didn’t want to fuck him because it felt like we’d developed a weird parent-child dynamic and I was resentful and needed therapy. That also must have been tough for him to hear, but he was able to talk through it and I did the therapy and grew up a bit more and we got through it. Now we’re in our early thirties and I’m highly devoted and attracted to him, and feel that our marriage is the bedrock of my life. Those early twenties issues weren’t a sign I didn’t love him; they were a sign I had things to figure out before I could settle peacefully into a lifelong bond.
I’d hazard a guess in a long term relationship through your twenties is NEVER smooth sailing. I think the viability of it hinges on both partners being (a) devoted enough to ride out the bumps and (b) willing and able to accomodate each other’s needs, especially the need for space to explore yourself and grow.
I’m not saying your girlfriend is necessarily your soulmate, but I’d suggest that even your soulmate might need space at that age to have valid feelings about needing space/time to develop a little more independently.
I love the panicky baby analogy. Always feels like when a situation really overwhelms you all that sophisticated adult thinking goes out the window and you're straight back to those primal attachment based thoughts. Even when you're old enough to know fine well what do to you're never more than a hop, skip and a jump from what if NO-ONE LOVES ME and then I DIE?!? How much work we all have to do to form a secure attachment to ourselves!
Oddly enough something I've started to do to cope with the pandemic is outright check in on myself like I'm having a conversation between a mother and child, which separates out any jumbled thoughts and feelings pretty quickly.
My panicky baby usually responds to food and sleep.
As a 40 something I want to reassure the original letter writer that once you can identify your ignored baby it becomes a lot easier to notice when it's the loudest voice in the room. Making very small promises to yourself (I'll give you water today, baby!) and keeping them over and over again helps you to regain its trust.
Polly, you're my hero. This answer was so goddamn amazing I just became a paid subscriber so I could tell you that. I could have written this letter 20 years ago, 10 years ago, maybe even 5 years ago...but I wouldn't have appreciated your response nearly as much. Sending love to all the ignored babies out there. We are everywhere!
i didn’t realize how many crying babies i have in my one life— barely midlife if luck is on my side. just when i feel like i’m doing the work and figuring out my shit—i find another baby inside me i left crying in the dark. this answer is golden for anyone. Ages 22-92!
"They move away from love. They move away from joy. They tell stories about how other people lost interest or rejected them. Their lives get smaller and smaller, because they never want to feel vulnerable or fragile. When they care about things, they feel unstable. So they only pursue paths that they don’t care about. Their goal is not joy. Their goal is safety. Indifferent, slightly anxious, slightly depressed productivity is the best they can hope for.
You don’t want to land there. That’s the land of soldiering onward while a voice inside says THERE IS NO POINT. You need to find the point for yourself instead. You need to know what you love passionately. You need to understand your own heart."
This is such good advice. Also, to the OP, I can say from personal experience (as someone with an avoidant attachment style who fell deeply in love very young) I needed a lot of space and tolerance from my now-husband when we were in our early twenties. I wasn’t ready to get married when he was ready to get married and it hurt his feelings a lot, but he was able to talk through it and wait until the prospect was less terrifying to me. THEN I went through a whole phase where I didn’t want to fuck him because it felt like we’d developed a weird parent-child dynamic and I was resentful and needed therapy. That also must have been tough for him to hear, but he was able to talk through it and I did the therapy and grew up a bit more and we got through it. Now we’re in our early thirties and I’m highly devoted and attracted to him, and feel that our marriage is the bedrock of my life. Those early twenties issues weren’t a sign I didn’t love him; they were a sign I had things to figure out before I could settle peacefully into a lifelong bond.
I’d hazard a guess in a long term relationship through your twenties is NEVER smooth sailing. I think the viability of it hinges on both partners being (a) devoted enough to ride out the bumps and (b) willing and able to accomodate each other’s needs, especially the need for space to explore yourself and grow.
I’m not saying your girlfriend is necessarily your soulmate, but I’d suggest that even your soulmate might need space at that age to have valid feelings about needing space/time to develop a little more independently.
I love the panicky baby analogy. Always feels like when a situation really overwhelms you all that sophisticated adult thinking goes out the window and you're straight back to those primal attachment based thoughts. Even when you're old enough to know fine well what do to you're never more than a hop, skip and a jump from what if NO-ONE LOVES ME and then I DIE?!? How much work we all have to do to form a secure attachment to ourselves!
Oddly enough something I've started to do to cope with the pandemic is outright check in on myself like I'm having a conversation between a mother and child, which separates out any jumbled thoughts and feelings pretty quickly.
My panicky baby usually responds to food and sleep.
I wish I’d read this when I was the letter writer’s age. Would have saved me a lot.
As a 40 something I want to reassure the original letter writer that once you can identify your ignored baby it becomes a lot easier to notice when it's the loudest voice in the room. Making very small promises to yourself (I'll give you water today, baby!) and keeping them over and over again helps you to regain its trust.
Polly, you're my hero. This answer was so goddamn amazing I just became a paid subscriber so I could tell you that. I could have written this letter 20 years ago, 10 years ago, maybe even 5 years ago...but I wouldn't have appreciated your response nearly as much. Sending love to all the ignored babies out there. We are everywhere!
i didn’t realize how many crying babies i have in my one life— barely midlife if luck is on my side. just when i feel like i’m doing the work and figuring out my shit—i find another baby inside me i left crying in the dark. this answer is golden for anyone. Ages 22-92!
"They move away from love. They move away from joy. They tell stories about how other people lost interest or rejected them. Their lives get smaller and smaller, because they never want to feel vulnerable or fragile. When they care about things, they feel unstable. So they only pursue paths that they don’t care about. Their goal is not joy. Their goal is safety. Indifferent, slightly anxious, slightly depressed productivity is the best they can hope for.
You don’t want to land there. That’s the land of soldiering onward while a voice inside says THERE IS NO POINT. You need to find the point for yourself instead. You need to know what you love passionately. You need to understand your own heart."
Brilliant, as always. Thank you Polly.
Incredible! Just whoa. Nailed it!
Goddamn. You’re amazing x