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Oct 21, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

These days I find that I’m most jealous of people who I see as having never struggled for something. One could call it “Frank Grimes syndrome” for Simpsons fans out there. Even though I largely have what I want — a good job, a fiancé I love, great friends — I feel that I’ve had to struggle for it more than others. I had a bad childhood and early divorce that made it hard for me to figure out what I wanted and needed in an actually good partner, and I still struggle with wanting approval and validation from family members and future in-laws in particular. When I see someone who in my imagination at least has never had the thought, “what if I’m unlovable,” I feel envious. Of course I can’t know if they’ve never had that thought, and I try to remind myself of that when this comes up. Even if they haven’t, I believe most people at least have some bad days. I think these feelings motivate me to try little empathy exercises and reflect on the unknowability of others — not super concrete but it helps when I feel stuck.

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Oct 21, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

My nemesis is actually someone I've never even met, she might as well be a figment of my imagination. I came to know of her when I was in university dating my first boyfriend, a 30 year old man with a near decade gap. Spoiler alert: he was a terrible human being who made belittling comments at me because he was an insecure loser himself.

This nemesis happens to be his ex-gf whom he had been with for over 5 years. When he dated me, he would make off-hand comments about how she was demanding and crazy, but very pretty. Next to her he referred to me as the "less pretty but nicer one." That was misogynistic and belittling on so many levels, I would have broken up with him on the spot if I hadn't had such low self-esteem back then. I looked her up and found her online, and thought it was eerie how similar our backgrounds were. We both came from strict Asian households that blurred the lines between emotional abuse and filial piety, but whereas I had a falling out with the shitty people in my family and no longer speak to them, she had put up with it all and seemingly came out on the other side having achieved everything an Asian parent could ask for: pretty, agreeable, high-achieving, with a respectable high-paying career. A daughter worth showing off and bragging about. I hated her instantly.

To me she embodied the perfect girl my family always shamed me for not being. In their eyes, I wasn't pretty enough, agreeable enough, or successful enough. And here she was, this perfect embodiment of what they wanted me to be, mocking me.

I wish I had something insightful to say about this situation, but I don't. She infuriates me. I hate that I look her up every once in a while to check how she's doing, I hate that she had a falling out with her shitty family finally, and I hate that she recently had a falling out with her shitty doctor husband too but they're trying to make it work again. I hate that she tries so hard to keep shitty people around in her life. I hate that she's done everything for these shitty people but I know that they will never give back to her. Just like how she lost years of her life and sanity with my shitty older man ex, who was definitely also very belittling and misogynistic to her. I hate that she's my crappy ex's and family's idea of "the perfect girl." And lastly I hate that these shitty people's narrative about her and ultimately, about me, find its way to me somehow and I can't seem to shake it off. I think I'm mad at her for upholding the shitty people's narrative. I think I'm also mad at my family and ex's year(s) of abuse to me, and how it's even more years for me to heal from the psychological trauma and wounds that they inflicted on my self-esteem.

Again, sorry, wish I had something insightful or constructive to say but I don't.

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Oct 21, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Every time I had an "nemesis" in my life with time I came to realize I was just projecting things on other people, and most of the time they didn't spare me a second thought lol.

My teenage nemesis was a very popular girl who kinda picked on me because I was bad at sports, but other than that she just ignored me. I loathed her with the strenght of a thousand suns! She was blonde! She was pretty! She was badass! Oh, the envy. At some point she asked point-blank why I didn't like her and I couldn't answer.

My current nemesis is this heiress to a company I used to work at that just goes through life with that nonchalant way rich people seem to enjoy.

I'm just an jealous motherfucker.

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Oct 21, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I had a lot of other women I envied for being thinner, more creative, and more successful than me, I started interviewing them and realized the difference between us was that they asked for what they wanted and I was afraid to. I started making that shift it really empowered me.

My actual nemesis is my sister, I love her deeply but she is incredibly jealous which is hard because I try to celebrate her in every way I can. She wrote me a letter on my 30th birthday to tell me I was her nemesis too, It's a shame because in my eyes we've had the same chances but she seems to think my life is easier than hers, in my eyes as I said above the difference is that I will dig into things and try to shift that feeling and for her, that's an effort she feels she should not have to make.

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Oct 21, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

After being close friends for 3+ years, my roommate has turned against me after I calmly explained to him that I didn't feel comfortable having his friend come over to socialize during COVID-19. Had this been his girlfriend or a close family member, I would have allowed it, but this was someone who I didn't know well whose social/health habits my roommate admitted that he was also unfamiliar with. He got upset with me and left to travel the world with his Italian girlfriend for 3 months. None of his friends or his gf's dispositions seemed to change towards me in our virtual exchanges so I assumed my roommate might've gotten over it, but it appears he has not after coming back from traveling and is only friendly towards me in front of our other roommates even though I happily welcomed him back and even offered to help him grab a bite to eat when he initially got back (he refused with a short, curt response). One of the spiteful things that is helping me feel a little better about this is knowing that I continue to remain gainfully employed while my roommate has been unemployed for over a year and has had no luck finding work. It's an absolutely unhealthy way to feel, but it makes me feel like I did win this grudge war my roommate continues to wage upon me.

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Oct 21, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

No but I think I am someone's nemesis, despite also being their somewhat close friend. I don't have evidence, just instinct. I feel like my lifestyle, sense of humor, and values, choices strike them as petty, indulgent and lacking real substance, and then when I remind myself I have no real reason to believe that beyond hidden meanings in a few offhand comments/jokes spaced 6 months-1 year, I realize that this may say more about me and how I feel about myself??

But I like myself! I don't feel secretly guilty about my life or choices. Just last night I fell asleep thinking, dang, I have spent my life pursuing my dreams, having all the experiences I craved as a child - going to far flung places and tasting lovely cocktails and connecting with dynamic, interesting people and I were to pass right now at least I'd pass knowing I had lived my life the exact fucking way I wanted. So what gives? Why do I think I'm someone's nemesis unless I am secretly also hate myself and think I lack substance (I don't, I'm brainy) and am frivolous (I am, and am fine with it)?

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I used to get incredibly irritated when I read certain writers and saw them get heaps of praise for whatever they'd written, and think to myself "I could've written that." I recognized that their work was objectively good, but thought for some reason that it wasn't good *enough* to warrant the level of attention it received, even though I liked it too (and sometimes even left comments of my own). Unsurprisingly, I was barely doing any writing of my own at the time. It's so much easier for me to enjoy other people's work when I'm consistently writing things that I feel good about.

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Oct 21, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

For a long time I needed nemeses to motivate myself. Then I realized that, for me at least, having a nemesis was just another way of using "the stick" (as opposed to "the carrot"). It's never, ever healthy for me when I use the stick. If I'm not being kind to myself, my inner-child/hind-brain rebels and nothing gets done.

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Oct 21, 2020Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I have struggled with comparing myself with someone for about 6 years now. It started when I was dating someone who openly told me he liked her, and talked about beautiful and smart she was. The thing is, he wasn't wrong, but I have felt paralyzed in comparison with her ever since that experience. To make it more confusing, I had romantic feelings for her too. But loving her always felt like hating myself. I've wanted to be rid of these feelings for a long time, but even now 6 years later, it hurts to talk to her, which hurts on many levels because I can't help but feel bad about myself around her. She has always been so supportive of me, but also I think doesn't realize the pain I go through regarding that. I have worked to carve out a space for loving myself and my talents in the world, but I still struggle.

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My nemesis has no idea that they're my nemesis. Probably because their nemeninity (not a word, but should be) has little to do with their actual person, but with the way my inner critic uses their voice and face to tell me how my work sucks. I am totally aware that the real person and the nemesis!person are not the same thing. I am, really. But damn if it's not hard to remember sometimes. Especially now.

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This has made me start thinking. I hate people who are very driven type A careerists. Typically I assign bad motives to them-- they're just after money or power, etc. Probably had nothing to do with my own career (which is going nowhere) and the success I've enjoyed (little to none). Right? hahaha

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So many of my male and female, but especially female, friends have insinuated that i'm ugly or called me ugly outright. i have a few nemesis that come to mind, in particular. i don't want to know people anymore because i don't want to be hurt in that way again. how can these relentlessly abusive experiences possibly be a good thing, Polly?

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I have a lot of irrational anger towards female writers sometimes. First it was Elizabeth Gilbert, recently Glennon Doyle. I belittled their writing as “white girl problems”. In spending some time with my own writing, I found this is because I envy that they have given themselves permission to speak freely about their lives.

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When a taken guy had a crush on me at work, I couldn’t help but interpret it as “You are the object; the woman at home is the human being.” People y’all about workplaces crushes as being innocent and common, but I couldn’t help but feel like it trivializes my existence and confirmed my inferiority as a woman. Still not sure how TF to heal this.

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Earlier this year I had this obesession with a singer I know. She is very young, talented, pretty and able to share herself without inhibitions or shame. She also seemed to get all the attention from the *cool music guys* I was secretly crushing on. During the early pandemic days I had a 6 month fling with one of said cool music guys, very attractive and successful but also avoidant and sort of a narcissist. I knew that he had a thing with the aforementioned young talented singer a few years ago (he was 34 and she was 18, uhhhhh, red flag?) and somehow continued to compare myself to her. I felt so inadequate and untalented and unloveable. Together with some other disappointments this sent me into a big downward spiral this summer.

Fast forward to now: I got accepted at a very good music school, this is a big deal because performing well in front of a jury while being VERY DEPRESSED is fucking hard. I'm moving to a new city in a week and I'm both excited and scared. My *nemesis* - the young talented singer - is studying at the same school and we actually became friends in the past months. She has been very supportive and we have started to make music together. I realized *the dude* is trash and mostly ignore his texts these days.

I also realized that I very often compare myself to the exes of the guys I'm sleeping with, and always end up feeling shitty about myself and my needs. I want to stop doing this and honor my desires and ambitions. Thank you for your column this week Polly, it really hit the spot!

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Hey! So, I noticed you tend to ask the reader to turn envy or comparison on its head, and see it as an invitation or opportunity to exercise agency: human X is doing this, so why can’t I? I think it’s the agency in others’ actions that seems so appealing; especially on social media. I think it’s definitely good to take stock, and to change things in ones own life- to evaluate agency and maximize choice making. BUT I think this can still be unhealthy. The fact is social media can amplify others’ agency, so it eclipses our own. We also may have had many wonderful stretching trying moments but they weren’t documented in that way. Weirdly, maybe it’s also about using agency through the cyborg, and the curation of that cyborg? I think even taking the good and making changes can also be unhealthy because you might value what others are doing more, just because it’s someone else doing it... Not sure if it makes sense. But it’s like you could use this type of comparison to confirm that you’re not exciting sexy clever artistic etc. Also, it might depend on the person in question. I find that it’s super unhealthy generally, even if it is making you think about what you could do differently, when it’s someone who has been ‘chosen’ by someone you love/d. They take on this halo... and that glow is something you can’t get no matter what you ‘do’. So another unhealthy thing is thinking that people are what they do, and that if you too do those things... things wil be alright. That’s a tricky one because of course we are our passions and the sum of our hard work etc. But we also aren’t. We have inherent worth as human beings not because we are artists or writers or doctors....

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I absolutely have a nemesis. He has very little background in the field in which I work but has jumped onto the scene with a splash. He published a book that is very derivative of ideas that have existed in my women-led field for ages. He has been an inspiration to me to trace the origins of ideas in my field and give credit where credit is due, as well as always use my platform to elevate the incredible ideas of women of color and fellow Indigenous women.

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Because I struggle with comparison (who doesn't?) and a big dollop of self-doubt, I got off social media for my own self-preservation in 2014. But I still lurk! The most shameful voyeuristic spiral is around a relatively recent ex-lover who was an overly critical, competitive and judgmental guy. He spent the better part of our relationship attempting to shape me into a new-and-improved fun, pretty, Burning Man-going easy girl companion. When I creep around his colorfully-curated life wallpaper, it's clear I'm still uncomfortable with my choice to end the relationship or unsure of my "okay-ness." I don't compare myself to the new flames, typically, but I feel the shame of not being good enough, sparkly enough, sexy enough, "California"-enough (East Coast square over here). And then I hate him, want to see him fail or suffer. He's the only ex I've felt this way about. I sure hope it passes! A year of hate, but it's getting less intense.

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My nemesis is probably myself, but that's another story. I just want to thank you for posting this. I love discussions about these kinds of issues. It's super helpful to engage in some prompted self-examination.

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1) My fourth grade bully: popular, pretty, athletic, with a full life with all the extracurricular activities (well back then at any rate). Not that I ever think about her anymore, not for the last decades. Me: a only-child nerd who wants all the friends and all the fun and the damn life experience, but cannot have them because everyone has suddenly turned into hermits who never organise anything social that they invite me to (I'm living in a liminal pre-pandemic space here) or would rather spend time with their pointless job and spouse and children and siblings instead of being useful in my life by making new friends like me and throwing parties.

2) An acquaintance who has several Tinder lovers, whereas I'm never attracted to anyone and hookup culture makes me want to cry. The former even though I'm in a relationship, go figure.

3) A friend who can tackle several projects and a full-time job at a demanding tech company, whereas my ADHD ass can never finish anything and full-time jobs give me burnout, all of them, I have a 5-hour-a-day hard limit on my mental energy.

TL;DR: I'm envious of their mental health and connection with people and what seems to be a glorious sex life

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Anyone my dad has ever praised, who I feel is deeply mediocre, and yet whose advice and life choices and successes my father thinks is worth crowing about and thinks I should emulate, automatically becomes my nemesis.

Anyone who has moved out of their home, anyone who got into a good grad school program, all the 19/20/21 year olds I somehow follow on Twitter, who to go Harvard, who are doing undergraduate/graduate research work, who complain about how hard their lives are in spite of all their successes. Fuck them. They're doing just fine, and I'm supposed to feel bad for any of them!?! Well I'm sorry your diamond shoes are too TIGHT, SALLY.

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